Our theme was "heat", it being summer. I found it really hard to think of anything worth repeating on the subject, because, who can chatter when it's so darn hot? I was thinking about the sharp contrast between the chill of my work environment and the blast of humidity at lunch hour, when I scribbled my first attempt:
Walk out the door you’re slammed with heat;
work’s icebox chill dissolves in mist.
An office job just can’t be beat.
Walk out the door, you’re slammed with heat.
Return from lunch, the breeze you meet;
with icy blast your brow is kissed.
Walk out the door, you’re slammed with heat -
The icebox chill dissolves in mist.
I wasn't too happy with it, as it seems so trivial! I tried again, after re-reading Rumi's lovely
poem "Story Water", where he points out the great blessing of hot water in these lines:
poem "Story Water", where he points out the great blessing of hot water in these lines:
A story is like water
That you heat for your bath.
It takes messages between the fire and your skin. It lets them meet,
and it cleans you!
Read the rest of that poem here.
My second triolet for this month:
Water blesses - hot or frozen,
ice in drinks and steam in showers.
Rumi’s story waters rose in
blessed water, hot or frozen.
Icy drinks can clink the hours,
Summer downpours end in flowers.
Water blesses hot or frozen,
ice in drinks and steam in showers.
-Andromeda Jazmon
-Andromeda Jazmon
I need to work on it a bit more, but it's getting somewhere I think.
Check out the lovely poems my poetry sisters have posted today:
And enjoy the Friday Poetry round-up hosted by Trisha!
8 comments:
These are wonderful, Andi! I didn't know you'd written a second one and I have to say, that Rumi line is GENIUS!!
Well, contrary me, I like BOTH of them - but the second one really is inching toward the truly beautiful. I was unfamiliar with the Rumi piece, so thank you for that. Also, I'm on a "take joy in the ordinary" so water is as ordinary as it gets - for some privileged people. Thank you for sharing this.
You were right to write another one, Andi....not that I wasn't amused by your take on AC....but that last one is gorgeous! To work in Rumi and not be outdone is something else...and you pull it off.
Hi Andi--I enjoyed both of these. My only effort for this month was, like your first one, more on the literal and surfacey side. But because I ADORE air conditioning, I was totally on-board with your first one! I agree, though, that your second one is deeper and more subtle and lovely. Water is SUCH a blessing and privilege...
Rumi can always be counted on to sharpen one's focus, one's intent, don't you think? :) I agree that your second attempt is getting somewhere and I LOVE your rhyme of "frozen-rose in" and "Icy drinks can clink the hours" is another great line. I'm inspired!
I love that you shared both, along with your Rumi inspiration that came between. If ever there was advice for trying again when you're not completely in love with your first try, this post is it! Thank you!
I like both, Andi, just returned from a Florida beach vacation & was reminded about that 'mist' when leaving cold AC. We don't get that here in dry Colorado. I love 'Icy drinks can clink the hours', but more broadly, the story of water touches my feelings when I think of those who do not have that easy access. It's rather a sweet celebration of water.
Ooh, I love your Rumi-inspired triolet. Water is a blessing! Your first poem is so true, though. I read an article not long ago about the need to turn the air conditioning down in the workplace. Turns out, temperatures that are too cold aren't good for productivity.
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